finding yourself again and again

Someone told me today: “You’ve changed so much, over so little time. You’re always changing.” I guess it shocked me because it’s sort of true. There’s nothing that can make a person feel so secure as having a strong sense of identity, I think. A lot of the time it feels like I’m surrounded by people who know exactly who they are – people who are predictable, who know what they want, who dress and act a certain way, always, with no exceptions.

Like my friend Bella: signature glare, military style. Or her boyfriend, George: expensive floral shirts, makeup, preppy brogues. But I’ve always been the sort of person to try on a different persona every other week. I’ve been a nerd, a total emo, the popular one, ditzy, sarcastic, the girl-next-door type. I have this tendency to try and fit myself into a little box because it makes me feel better, but recently I’ve realised I don’t really give a shit anymore.

I’ll always like to listen to Pearl Jam, but I’ll always like to listen to Taylor Swift too. I can be bitchy, superior and reserved, but I can also spend my evenings knitting hats for my stuffed unicorns. But maybe that can be my thing. I don’t know. I’m kind of over caring about everyone’s expectations, anyway.

What about you? Do you have a certain ‘style’? Did you have any embarrassing phases when you were growing up?

2 Comments

  1. i think this is also about how subcultures have some ridiculous limits of what’s cool and what isn’t.
    for women there’s often also internalized sexism in this, the “i’m not like other girls” thing.

    in terms of clothes, i think it’s great to be able to wear completely different things and feel comfortable! if someone always wears a specific style, that’s what they’re comfortable with (mentally and/or physically). personally, i have a strong inner feeling that what i prefer to wear is objectively the best 😂 i know it’s actually very subjective.

    1. Hey Serpent, thanks for your comment 🙂 and yes I completely agree, people and especially young people can get trapped in cliques, and there’s this awful vicious cycle of insecurity and validation through putting down others, even when people don’t realise they’re doing it. I’m so glad that stage of my life is over! And that’s fair enough, wear whatever works for you 😉

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